we are all dying

i've been getting too little sleep the past few days, having had to wake up early for work couple days in a row now. instead of going to bed early, i've been staying up really late, reading until 3 or 4 am (currently reading john irving's the world according to garp, a delightful book i'm enjoying immensely). running on average of 4 hours of sleep is something i did on a daily basis in high school; unfortunately it is something this old dame can no longer get away with. today i found myself sitting at a stop sign waiting for the "light" to change lol! i sat there for like a full minute before i realized what the situation was. (i love sneaking in "the situation" wherever i can, thanks to the embarrassment to humankind that is better known as joisey shoah).

anyways... what i originally set out to write about was regarding death and mortality. the truth of the matter is that we're all going to die someday, sooner or later. i know and always knew that i too will die someday. but it's not something i dwell on or think too much about (at least not these days. but you should've seen me in middle school going through puberty - ohhhhhh hoooo. i used to plot my suicide and imagine the aftermath every day... for fun.)

but today i put my hand to my heart and held it there, and i could feel my heart beating. for a couple seconds i had no thoughts. for those couple of seconds i was just my heart and nothing else. it was a tiny fraction of a moment, but it was sobering! to actually feel my heart pounding away, and listening to my blood being pumped... as i cleared my mind and focused on the "thud", "thud", "thud"s, it really hit me - i am not just my thoughts, i am also a physical being consisting of all these different working parts. if any of them should ever fail me, i won't properly work anymore, and eventually i won't even have my thoughts. then what would i be? absolutely nothing.

and maybe this is why people cling so hard to the notion of souls. because otherwise it's such a tragedy isn't it? our lives mean so much to us now, but if you think about it... it's kind of meaningless. (well i guess that's debatable. and why everyone scrambles so hard to make something of themselves.. to give their lives a meaning, a purpose...)

woooooooooowwwwwwww i am just droning on and on. i'm just in one of those moods where i'll just keep thinking and thinking, and one thing will lead to another, just a never-ending stream of thoughts. i'll stop now. i just really wanted to write that moment i had down on paper (virtual paper! since this is not actually a paper! nor am i actually writing! because i'm actually typing! wow i need sleep! getting distracted so easily! perhaps a.d.d.?!!) ok i need to shut up, walk over to my bed, lie down, and close my eyes.