too many thoughts in my little brain

i keep realizing every day that i am such a selfish, self-centered, self-involved, self-loathing, self-everything kind of a girl. and i suppose that's not necessarily a bad thing (depending on how you choose to look at it), but i still want to change that about myself. and to get started, i think i want to sign up for volunteer work somewhere. i want to help others and be useful. do some good in this world. stop thinking about me all the time. is this what maturation is lol? am i finally getting wiser and not just older?

i cannot believe another year has passed! how is it december already?! (yeah... i pretty much say this every friggin' month hahah). grrrrr. i hate our concept of time. and birthdays: it's just another excuse to feel special, because the world is such a depressing place that we need any excuse to celebrate our existence. (so cynical... but hey! my birthday's coming up!!! hahah.)

the thing that bugs me about birthdays is that it's one of many tools to measure what people perceive as time. people start obsessing over their numerical age, giving that number the power to dictate their lives. but what does that number really mean and why should it matter? it's not significant at all! i want to view my life span (however long or short) as a single day, and my death will be night. and at the end of my life, i hope to be able to say "i had a wonderful day." (why is the concept of time so complex and my thoughts on it so hard to articulate? i feel like i'm losing my mind. so let's just say fuck it and call it a day. ugh! and now i'm super irked by the fact that "day" and "night" are also measurements of "time", and i think i'm really losing it now because i am making no sense at all and... and... and!!!!!!! i don't know).

so going back to the topic of new year: i wanted to write down (type out) this year's new year's resolutions for myself just for some shits and giggles.

• eat healthy and be healthy (possibly go vegetarian)
• do volunteer work
• stop second guessing myself all the time
• choose a fig!
• read more classic literature

i hate this entry and this entry hates me but i'll keep it. too much time was spent writing this crap and thinking about it.

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet." - the bell jar