live fast and die young

i was on my way to my car in the parking lot post-shopping, (again! must.stop.spending.money!) when i noticed a cute little family on their way to their car ahead of me. the dad was holding the shopping bags, with the mother following behind, holding the little daughter's hand as she bounced around. half of me thought "what a beautiful sight." while the other half thought "what the hell are they wearing?"

as i watched them, my mind began to wander and i began to wonder: how did that man and woman meet and what were they like when they were younger, before the child came? they must have had a time when they were younger and crazier. when they didn't have the responsibility and didn't have to be good role models to anyone but themselves. there must have been a time when their world consisted of each other and each other only, no one else. now there was this new life between the two of them, a new being that was a blend of each other.

all these thoughts just because i saw them wearing ugly clothes. i think it was the stark contrast between their total lack of interest in their outfits and my total obsession with clothing that threw me for a loop. something about their priorities, clearly different from mine, both awed and dismayed me at the same time. (you could even tell by our shopping bags: mine were bags of shoe stores and department stores for myself, while theirs were of toy stores and best buy or something). awed because they obviously didn't care about themselves so much anymore, as they must have at one point in their lives. and dismayed because they obviously didn't care about themselves so much anymore, as they must have at one point in their lives.

a good friend asked me today why i didn't want kids and why i didn't want to get married. it surprised me: no one ever asked me those questions seriously before. (i think because no one really takes it seriously when i say i don't ever want to be married or have kids. maybe people think it's a phase i'm going through, or something i say for attention or something). maybe it is a wonderful experience, maybe it does change you as a person, and maybe it does change your priorities for the better. i guess i'll never know unless i have my own children and go through the whole experience. but it's such a scary thought, isn't it? to bring a new life in to this ugly world. and not just a new life, but this new life is part you. and inevitably things will have to change: you can no longer live your life for yourself. you'll have to forgo certain things and you'll no longer have complete freedom. that's something i don't think i'll ever be willing to give up. i guess i'm just way too selfish for that kind of commitment. or maybe it's natural selection and survival of the fittest at work: because i am unfit to adapt to the changing environment, nature is weeding me out of the bunch haha. le sadness.

i had a wonderful and fulfilling day today.