issues and assholes

i hate being confronted with the onslaught of heavy and mixed emotions at the thought of my dad. i think to others it's always puzzling as to why i have such a hard time dealing with this person who's half responsible for my existence on earth: he never abused me, he says he loves me, and occasionally when we meet in person he spends a lot of money on buying me things. there are people who lived a far worse life than mine, had a far worse father than mine, and have it far worse than i do... (but i guess thinking this way never leads to anything - stephen chbosky wrote in the perks of being a wallflower, "...if i ever have kids, and they are upset, i won't tell them that people are starving in china or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset.")

it is hard to explain. i guess it's because i was emotionally scarred at a young age, though without consciously knowing it, and it never really healed because i kept the pain at bay, tucking away my shock and despair within the deepest pit of my heart. up until the separation and eventual divorce, i had idolized him, and loved him so fully and unconditionally, the way children do, and trusted him without question. i just remember my mom telling us about the divorce in the car as she drove. in retrospect i don't think she really knew how to deal with it either. and i just remember feeling like someone had sucker punched me in the stomach, then a numb stillness overtaking me. i didn't ask any questions and we never talked about it again. i couldn't bring myself to talk about my dad to anyone, and it wasn't until i was finishing high school that i actually had a conversation about it with my mom.

my dad... he remained a stranger to us for so long. he never took responsibility for us - physically, emotionally, nor financially. anyways, over the years we have tried to mend our relationship but... i don't think he knows what it means to be a dad. he claims he wants to have a relationship with us, yet he hasn't ever followed through with any of his empty promises. i'm sick of getting my hopes up only to be harshly disappointed. so i have been ignoring his attempts at communication.

and as he tries to wedge himself into my life once again (by friend-requesting me on facebook), i have to ask myself whether i want to go through the emotional roller coaster all over again. i'm just so tired of feeling guilty. there's no easy way to describe how i feel about him. i despise him for always letting me down, i resent him for marring my childhood, and at the same time i yearn for a father figure, and i guess a part of me (the little girl in me) will also always love him. and another part of me feels guilty for having such negative thoughts about my father.

all of these things then become too complex and complicated for me to handle. it's just easier for me not to have to deal with any of it. that's why i think it's best for me to keep him out of my life, at least for a little while until i am at a stable place in my life.